Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I touched a dick in church today
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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