Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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