On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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