it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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