How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
my liver is dry heaving
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
