WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
