It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
