Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I want a musical about memes.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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