I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
