My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
