is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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