i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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