I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Someone shattered a urinal.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
