I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
