I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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