And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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