I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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