Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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