Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
