the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
