What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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