You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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