no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
