Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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