I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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