first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The power of my boobs compel you
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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