I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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