it hurts more in the daytime
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
