I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
