you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
