For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
