the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Can I color on your dick again?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
