I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
