How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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