Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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