I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
