Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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