i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
