why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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