you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Im part way to drunk.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
