Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
