I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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