you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
