My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
