shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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