well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize