my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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