Duck Duck Cougar?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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