Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
