I'm pants shitting drunk right now
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
