all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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