Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
