I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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