my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
