Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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