Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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