i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
