I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish there were birth control emojis
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
send nudes
from the living room?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
