life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
