My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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