i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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