Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
