a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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