So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
