I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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