Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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