I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
These tits shall not be calmed
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
