I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
