I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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