I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
