Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
