Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
