I didn't shave. On purpose
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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