I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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